To Be Broken
by talk of michelangelo
Summary: AU dana cruz wanted: an excuse to be broken; an excuse to start believing in fairy tales again; or if she could just not grow up, that'd be nice, too.


_(Once upon a time -)_

Dana Cruz had believed that fairy tales were really true, that no matter how bad everything seemed, her prince would come and save her on his gorgeous black horse (she didn't really fancy the white ones, they reminded her of unicorns, and unicorns terrified her). She'd thought that there was really a Happily Ever After, made specially for her and her prince, and they'd live happily in his castle with lots of dwarves and shit.

Then, she figured it out - that disgusting, raw truth: Nobody was there to catch her when she fell to pieces _(fallandfallandfall,nobody'sgoingtocatchyouwhenyoudropCRASH)_.

I.

At ten, Dana had figured out that other girls didn't really play soccer or play-fight with boys, and that she should wear pretty tee shirts and sometimes skirts if she wanted to fit in with the other little girls. But the fact was, she didn't want to fit in if it meant that she had to stop wearing her big brother's old shirts and tell secrets to other girls and make cliques and stop playing soccer and pass with the boys. Dana Cruz didn't want to grow up and realize that she was a girl.

At ten, Dana was a daredevil, always taking risks a little out of her reach just because she thought she could do it. After all, it wasn't as if anyone would let her get _hurt_, right? So she jumped and climbed and ran, and then she fell a little too far for anyone to get to her. One night when she was ten, she ended up in a ditch in the middle of a construction zone, and nobody was there to save her. The police found her at three in the morning, and she couldn't look her parents in the face for a week afterwards. Dana Cruz didn't want to grow up and figure out that there was no real safety zone for anyone, much less a little ten year old girl who thought she was a boy.

II.

At twelve, Dana learned how to create a flawless lie. She learned to whimper and whisper in her most silky voice, _It's not my fault, I didn't know,_ and she learned that people tended to fall for it a little bit harder if she let out a little crocodile tear _(dirtylittleliar)._ She was a force to be reckoned with -- it must've been the big brown eyes and the caramel curls that did everyone in, no matter how much of a bitch she must've been. But she guided herself through it in an expert fashion, and at twelve, she decided fairy tales were stupid, and she could save herself, no prince needed. Dana Cruz didn't want to grow up and realize that she wasn't strong enough to hold herself up all alone.

III.

At thirteen, Dana attended her very first funeral, and realized how short life was, and that (grudgingly, she'd admit to herself that this flitted through her mind) sooner or later, everyone had to die - even if she didn't want to, because her prince still hadn't come for her on his beautiful black horse. She cried real tears at her sister-in-law's funeral, because no matter how hard she tried not to, she couldn't stand the broken look on her brother's tanned face as he sat there, all still, no tears. It might've been at that point that she realized (_realizedrealizedrealized) _that she wasn't as strong as her brother, who could stare at his dead wife and wonder what went wrong. Dana Cruz didn't want to grow up and realize that there were people far more broken than she pretended to be.

At thirteen, Dana found her way to Pacific Coast Academy. Her brother dropped her off and pretended to be happy, and only after he drove away, she got the phone call from her mother that on his way home, he'd crashed. She wasn't ready for this news yet, even though she knew it was going to happen sooner or later. So she closed herself off and pretended that she was rough and dangerous so that people would think, _Oh, it's just that witch, _and she would get her peace and quiet. Something in her mind ticked off, though, and she couldn't help but wish that someone would see through her mask and save her from the curse she'd put on herself. Dana Cruz didn't want to grow up and know that her lies were so flawless that she'd for ever be alone.

IV.

At fourteen, Dana fell in love. It was still only her first year at Pacific Coast Academy, and she knew that she was falling for someone who wouldn't be able to catch her, no matter how much he wanted to - because even though Chase Matthews was completely in love with Zoey Brooks, he was the type of person _(perfectprinceonabeautifulblackhorse)_ who would always try to catch anyone if they fell. And Dana accepted it and moved on - after all, she must've just been one of the boys, dressed in her dark, sarcastic clothing that matched her scowl. Nobody could've noticed her with perfect _(controlfreakconformist)_ Zoey and pretty _(snarkysquealingsunshinebitch) _Nicole around. Dana Cruz didn't want to grow up and realize that she'd fallen behind everyone else, and that they were all on their way to somewhere and she was landing in nowhere.

At fourteen, Dana tried to find a way to make things easier on herself. Logan Reese was the easiest person to try and fall for, with his easy good looks and sometimes-attractive-sometimes-mortifying personality. She could tell herself that it was half her fault for falling for him when he broke her heart, and that it was half his fault for being so fucking contradictive - first being such a conceited, perverted jerk, and then turning a one-eighty and smiling honestly at her and even once complimenting how pretty her hair was, and then she realized that maybe she could _really_ like him, and let Chase go because he'd never look her way with Zoey there. Dana Cruz didn't want to grow up and acknowledge that she'd never fall for the 'right' person - one who would like her back and hold her close and be patient with her when she was having an angry fit.

V.

At fifteen, Dana moved to Paris for an entire year. She wouldn't admit to anyone, much less herself, how much she missed everyone; even Nicole - maybe Nicole most. Her new roommate wasn't annoying like Nicole, and she never used a blowdryer (her hair being so short that it would be pointless to blowdry it), and she didn't check out every guy that passed by - but she didn't even talk to Dana, and she didn't show any signs of wanting to. She couldn't even lie to herself and tell herself that French boys were so much cuter than those PCA kiddies, and that maybe one of _them_ could love her instead. Dana Cruz didn't want to grow up and admit that she was lonely without those annoying doofus children back at PCA.

At fifteen, Dana learned to master the French language, ace all her quizzes and pass all her classes. It was none of these things, however, that made her happy. The fact was that Dana was going back to the States, and she was ecstatic (secretly, of course). She could see everyone again, and maybe there would be someone who would finally figure it out - that Dana was secretly a princess _(whowasstillbrokenandstillaloneandwaiting)_, and that they could _fix_ her and make her become whole again. Sometimes, Dana wanted to pretend she had an actual reason to be broken, and that someone would find out and pity her and tell everyone that Dana _wasn't_ just a bitch because she wanted to be, she was a bitch because she couldn't afford to be anything else. Dana Cruz didn't want to grow up and think about the consequences of her future actions.

VI.

At seventeen, Dana slept around and smoked and sometimes she flew high _(sofuckinghighamazingohgod)_. She wasn't making herself better, and she definitely wasn't a fucking princess. Princesses, after all, were goodie-two-shoes who wanted the best for everyone and talked to squirrels and shit, and she just wasn't material for that. So she did what she did best, and she didn't care about the rumours that floated around, because she knew that Zoey could (maybe she wouldn't, maybe she would) stand up for her, and that Nicole still loved her and that she had Logan and Michael wrapped around her pretty finger, but they were all _lies (fuckingliesnobodybelievedanymore)_. Nobody hated Dana as much as she hated herself. Dana Cruz didn't want to grow up and become better, because she didn't know how to.

At seventeen, Logan finally stood up and shoved her against the wall and asked her why she was better at being a player than he was, because he wasn't supposed to be the one getting hurt, _she_ was, damn it! And then he said the magic words: _Fuck this, Dana, grow up and realize that you're not at the top of the world, you're at the fucking bottom._ And Dana held her bottom lip in with her pearly white teeth and she didn't let him get to her until she was sure he was gone (he'd slammed the door for good measures), and then she slumped down and sobbed like her brother must have wanted to four years ago, but she'd cried so much that it must not have felt right for him to do so - even though he had the most right to cry and sob and weep until his throat felt raw. Dana Cruz didn't want to grow up and realize she wasn't at the top of the world, she was at the fucking bottom.

VII.

At twenty, Dana had given up. She'd let Michael go, she'd let Logan go, she'd let everyone go, and she was completely alone, and now she _realized (realizedrealizedfuckingrealized) _that she'd been so brokenly selfish that even her best friends, who were once willing to give her the world, couldn't even want to stay with her when she let them go. She _admitted (helpmeLord)_ that she had a problem, and she was not a believer of fairy tales anymore, not when she tainted herself so much that it was not a right for her anymore to believe in anything. But she could be proud of one thing, and that was that Dana Cruz had finally broken properly, and now she really had something to cry about. No one was coming back through that door to let her know that she _could_ have her happy ending, that Logan - he would save her on his beautiful black horse and she wouldn't have to be broken anymore. Dana Cruz was grown up, and she knew that it was her fault for getting where she was now.

At twenty, Dana realized that she'd gotten what she'd first wanted, so many years ago, and now that she'd gotten a taste of being broken and alone, it was so bitter that she spat it out and wanted to demand that the world give her back those ten years of her life that she'd been trying so hard to be angry. Dana Crus was grown up, and she realized that she now knew everything that she should have realized long ago, but it was too late to go back and fix it.

_(And they lived happily ever after.)_


End file.
